First date oral man-dierreha

So. She agreed to meet you. Make sure you don't fall into the classic trap men often do, because they are nervous and desperate to impress. I've suffered through many a meal where the guy rants on and on and on about what? Himself.

This is what we hear: "Me me me, my important job, my incompetent boss, my fancy car, me, me , me I'm so smart, me me, I have a huge penis, me me me, more about my car, I'm clever and popular, me me.. did I make sure you think I'm a god in bed?, me fotball.. my car, I'm clever....................." Often this has the very opposite effect on women. We are not impressed at all. We want you to be interested in us. At the end of many first (and last) dates I've thought to myself "this man still just know my name and where I work, but has not learned a single new thing about me this entire night".

Ironically and amusingly often by the end of the night the man will say something like "You know, I really like you" (implying let's get it on).. As if all that matters is them giving us the "stamp of approval" .. as if that seals the deal.. As if it's a given that we'll fall into their arms just because they are kind enough to let us... What we think of them is somehow completely forgotten somewhere in man-egoville... Consider a 50/50 rule when on a first date. You should both get to speak about yourself.

This advice applies to women as well, off-course, as I know many women can yammer on only pausing for a sip of wine or a breath of air.. But, this is a blog for men so that's by the by.

Good idea: Open ended questions Bad idea: Asking about her ex (Thats a topic for many dates later. And trust me, you don't want to go there, because she will go there for you before you know it and in more graphic detail that you would ever want to know.)

Bad idea: Bad-mouthing your own ex. Some men have sent shivers down my spine coming across as lunatic misogynist.. ( a little trash-talking is acceptable.. after all we want to think we are all you ever wanted in a woman). OR waving the torch you still carry for your ex in our faces.

Shave, shower and pick up the bill. Oh, and don't forget your manners.. Good luck!

Get her wild in bed

Sorry boys, I only made this header to make you read this post. The header should have been "Housework". Contrary to many men's belief, most women are not born domestic godesses. Newsflash: we hate housework as much as you! I'm not suggesting some feminist crap of sharing everything 50/50. We don't need to lawn the grass or change light-bulbs as much as you don't cherish decorating for Christmas and putting spaghetti/spices/rice in decorative jars. What we want to find is a happy middle.

Dishes and washing can be shared! Women should also fill up with petrol by the way.. It's nonsense that this should be a man's job.

Unless you have two toilets I strongly suggest you make an effort to keep the seat down. For the sake of yours and hers sanity and peace on earth.

When doing the washing stick to the safe stuff. You can't go wrong with bed-sheets, towels, jeans etc.. Oh, and your own stuff! Stay away from anything which looks like a "special garment". Do not wash her blouses, dresses, fancy going out stuff or delicate underwear (granny-pants and cotton sweats are considered ok). Should you shrink/damage a favorite (you would never even guess how expensive/unique/special it was) item, you will hear about it for years! Guy's poker-night/football-night/BBQ night/ape-night.. clear table, throw away beer-cans and empty pizza-boxes, empty the ashtrays and wake up with a hangover AND the possibility of a shag. Don't and you'll have a hangover and a screeching inferno. I'm just giving you the option here.. I'll post more on the delightful topic of domestic chores later, but I guess this is just about as much as you can handle at once, so I'm breaking it into bite-size portions for you.

Other women

1: Always make a point of us being everything she is not

2: Never say she is hot (even if she's Angelina Jolie)

3: Do not point out good points, always mention cellulite or saggy boobs (even if there aren't any trace of it)

4: If you are caught eyeing one up: don't lie- your dead!

5: Remember this woman has PMS, dragon-lady, granny-knickers and tantrum as any other woman

6: If the lady your eyeing out is more than 5 years younger than us... do everything you can to avoid us noticing it

you think you know how to dance?

Dancing is never what we truly want. We want romance! Travolta/ P Diddy/ Nsync moves will not hit the spot. But a good grip (and men all over the world.. a firm grab round your girl's waist is worth a (million) few blow jobs) a tight grip on the waist is always a winner. Pull her close and kiss her deep and you can ask for things you'd never get just feeling fruity and not giving it the effort expected.

A dance to a girl is not an act of "so you think you can dance!.. or a dream of wedding dance.." The reason you should dance /score is because your attention is on her. Because you hold her tight and she feels your presence. If you know how to dance or not is irrelevant.. She will love you just for trying to.. it's true...

Expecting head & Going down

Most women love to give head to the man we love. A clean and hard cock is delicious! Ever noticed a connection between showering together leading and you getting head? A simple act of offering to give him a wee wash before sex is appreciated and gives you extra points for being loving and considerate!

You don't feel like going down on her for the same reasons? Why not whisper seductively in her ear "If you nip in the shower I'll give you a nice full body massage and more?" Obviously you must be prepared to deliver the massage, but a relaxed and content woman is what you want,- right?

Be gentle! 99% of men lick pussy as they have seen in porn. That's as exciting as the fake "pleasure grunts" the women in porn make. Think mouth. Don't do nothing down there that you wouldnt do kissing her. Also the pointy tounge wagging is, again, just for visual effect in porn, not what the little lady wants at all. Try sucking her clitoris gently as if you are sucking a rock candy.

If adding fingers, stick to one or two. Showing all your fingers up there will surely not go down too well. Fisting is another porn myth. Most women would never ever want to have a fist up their vagina.

Tell us what to do! We dont know what you like any more than you know what we want. Tell us in a nice way. Encurage us when we are doing something right! You get the blowjob you deserve.

If you fail to communicate to us we will keep doing what we think is "right". If you feel as if she is pulling your cock out with the roots, tell her . I know you guys need clear instructions so try this template: " Baby, that feels so goooood, I love it when you give me head, especially when you ...INSERT WISH.... "

Fruity in the morning?

Most men are horny in the morning. I'm not talking about morning glory (morning hard-on), we know that's not necessary you wanting to fuck, rather you need to pee. But, once that's done and you want to climb on top, consider this: we are half asleep/ we want to brush our teeth/ we have not adjusted to the morning light and we are probably a little grumpy!

Solution? Bring her her favorite baverage in bed. Make sure you do ca 15 minutes before her usual alarm goes on, and very gently and lovingly wake her up. In my relationship "morning coffee" = morning quickie

GIFTS

You guys have it simple. Women are easier to please than you might think. Basics that ALWAYS hit home follows below. First I'll tell you what does not constitute as a GIFT: Chocolate. That's picked up at the airport taken for given, and they are the little things we consider mandatory and is NOT a gift (it's 2011, not 1950, lads. And, are you trying to make us fat?): DO NOT get us pets unless we have asked for it. DO NOT get any household appliance! A new blender is about as romantic as a handjob, if you catch my drift! Safe bets (for every wallet there is something): Jewelry Perfume Expensive brand-name cosmetics gift sets (NO anti -wrinkle stuff for women under 40!!. NO anti-cellulite or "body firming" stuff, please.No deodorants, however expensive. And no anti-blemish stuff. That we take care of ourself) Safe bet Expensive brand name cosmetics (YSL, Lancome, Biotherm, Clarins, Estee Lauder, Elisabeth Arden, Chanel, Dior etc..)Bodycare, Skincare, Make-up sets, Nail-care Expensive Scented Candles & Oils Quality sexy lingerie Quality silk, cashmere, wool or other nice material scarfs/shawls Watches & Costume jelry (costume jewlry is always appreciated, like gucci, cartier, DKNY, House of Harlow, Dior, Calvin Kline e.t.c.) Flowers! ONE EXEPTION: DO not give her flowers when you are feeling guilty. We sill smell it like a rotten cheese even if we don't mention it. Guilt-flowers have the opposite effect. Travel or HOTEL Book a weekend getaway, surprise her with one night of luxury in a 5star hotel, take her on a ferry-ride.. Do something which takes you out of the treadmill and flannel pyjamas & dirty dishes at home. (Check page my page on sex for icing on the cake!)

Her Birthday

A gift-less man on her birthday is a dead man. We must have that gift. If you forget its as if you don't love us. We are that melodramatic, and we are very hurt if you forget. I once spoke to a businessman next to me on a long-haul flight. He told me whenever he traveled abroad and had time to kill, he'd spend his free time shopping little (and some not so small) gifts for his wife. At home, he said, he had a collection hidden from her, and he loved surprising her out of the blue with a gift. They have been happily married 22 years he grinned. Find allies to help you remember. You guys have it simple. Read the post GIFTS for more tips.

Rule number one: There is ALWAYS a special occasion!

The list is long, and a man who commits to keep up will be one lucky gay. Why? We LOVE LOVE LOVE surprises and gifts. We feel loved and treasured. It creates nice memories (which women collect and store in our mental photo album. An empty or shrinking album of romantic "us" moments is a very bad omen for the ungrateful twat she's with.) And, almost as important as the touchy feely stuff: We get to brag about it to our girlfriends and colleges. FREE BONUS for remembering an or creating a special occasion: Your lover's mother will love you! So. Let's look at the obvious occasions. If you think Christmas and her birthday ought to cover it, think again mister! 1. Anniversaries (even if you are not married, an anniversary is an anniversary, and you bet she remembers! Just ask her so you know what she recons is the date, and remember it. If you simply say "Baby, what's the date of our anniversary again? I just want to make sure I remember it so I can plan my surprise for you". She will perhaps be stroppy about you not knowing the exact date, however the prospect of a surprise & special occasion wins. You win if you REMEMBER IT! Write it down. I suggest a list in your wallet with the relevant dates.